One of the things I struggle with is my voice. I find it challenging to use assertive language when I’m in situations that challenge my beliefs, or when I need to convey things I need or want. It’s a skill I’ve been improving on for the past five years, but I must admit it’s tough. Why is it so hard to be assertive?
I’ve mentioned it before in my previous column, ‘The Truth is I’m a Black Woman,’ I was bullied a lot. I had great friends, but some battles I had to fight alone, and my voice wasn’t strong enough to fight all those battles. Soon enough, I learned to lock my emotions away and smile despite being tremendously hurt. I became passive.
Eventually, whatever small whisper I had, vanished.
There’s a lot of focus as a teen to know how to fight battles either physically or verbally. In our personal lives, we learn aggressive language, such as curse words and “burns/roasts,” to defend or attack people we feel are threatening us. On the other hand, academia focuses on our literary development. We can write 5000-word argumentative essays, read long wordy novels. We can argue about schools of philosophy and challenge different schools of thought before we turn eighteen.
However, when did we learn about assertive language? I feel like I missed that class, or I wasn’t paying attention. Was it in the sexual health curriculum?? Was it the day I first learned to say “no?”
Why could I brilliantly write an argumentative essay on Animal Farm, but I couldn’t tell my friends a simple “no.”
Well, I have a couple of theories.
Self-Esteem
When your self-esteem is 6 feet underground, it feels like your body, mind, and soul are also 6 feet underground. Low self-esteem prevents you from walking with purpose, vigor, and life. For me, it felt like an out of body experience (sometimes it still does). I was watching everyone around me living in beautiful color, and I was a ghost. I felt unwanted, unnoticed, and unnecessary. I also prioritized the thoughts, feelings, and opinions of others above myself.
I couldn’t speak out, because I felt like I didn’t have a right to speak out. I felt like my words held no meaning to anyone. “If other people don’t care, why should I care … might as well not speak at all.”
The thing is, people can’t care if you don’t give them a chance, and most importantly, you have to give yourself a chance.
After 3rd year university and a long 16-month internship, a part of myself was ready to give myself a chance. I’m not entirely sure how I got to that point, but I think surviving an internship, being evaluated quarterly, and realizing I’m a valuable employee might have been a factor. However, my self-esteem didn’t come rushing back at once; it took baby steps. I cut my hair and challenged myself to wear my natural hair for 30 days. I went to at least one office hour a week to get help on material I didn’t understand. I flushed my Instagram of content that made me feel horrible about myself, and flooded it with things that made me happy. I opened up little by little to my mom about things that hurt me in my personal life. It was a collection of baby steps that help fix a huge problem.
I’m still not entirely confident, but my writing is evidence I’m still making strides forward. I’m able to speak with purpose, because I know my voice matters.
Unjustified Beliefs Chain
In epistemology, there’s a problem called The Regress Problem. It’s an infinite chain of beliefs inferring other beliefs. The problem is, there’s no way to know if and when the chain ends. Also, we have no idea what’s at the end of the chain. There’s also a distinction between reasons you have for believing something versus your reasons for believing something. There may exist justifications for a belief, but those justifications may not justify your personal belief. Maybe you’re in denial about something which prevents you from accepting the evidence before you, or perhaps you simply like your belief better.
I held unjustified beliefs about others and myself, all in which inferred by other unjustified beliefs. My self-esteem played a huge factor. I talked down about myself and my upbringing, I wasn’t accountable for my behavior, I rejected help from everyone around me, and I refused to be vulnerable.
However, when I started challenging my beliefs, which was extremely difficult to do, I realized I was accountable for my mess. I let toxic people into my space, I allowed people to speak for me, and I demonized people who tried to help me. Not everything was within my control. However, I needed to see my life wasn’t entirely out of my hands. I had to break the unjustified belief chain I created for myself and build new beliefs based on things I knew for a fact.
For example, I believed I was stupid because my high school wasn’t good enough to compete against other high schools. All fueled by the belief poor inner-city neighborhoods like mine couldn’t provide adequate resources to schools because they were underfunded.
The truth is, I wasn’t stupid. I got into a great university, and I managed to stay afloat in a demanding program. The problem is, I wasn’t studying smart, and I wasn’t getting help when I needed it, and so I struggled. Sure, I’m not the brightest, but I’m not a fool either. The truth is, my high school wasn’t bad. It was one of the few schools with a Computer Science curriculum and an excellent curriculum too! I learned Turing and Java in high school, which helped me so much in university. If I didn’t go to that school, I wouldn’t have known about Computer Science. The truth is, my neighborhood wasn’t great. At times, it was a scene out of a horror film, but we did receive funding! We were one of the few neighborhoods with pools in all our local schools. We were poor, but not forgotten.
As some wise person once said, the truth will set you free.
Every day I look back, and I realize I wasted a lot of time feeling sorry for myself. However, I needed to hit rock bottom to finally look up, see the sky, and start climbing back up. Being assertive with what you want and need can be incredibly challenging to convey, but it begins with embracing and loving yourself. You need to learn to love yourself so much that you’re willing to put your fears aside and speak up. No one has a right to your voice, your body, or your life other than you.
Challenge yourself to break unjustified belief chains, take small steps towards self-love, and find the assertive voice that best represents you.
