It’s too easy to lose yourself once you’ve invested years into a relationship. You’ve become blinded by your determination to “make it work.” You’ve ignored the red flags because “at least he hasn’t cheated.” However, there are many reasons a relationship can die other than the obvious red flags. Maybe your partner isn’t compatible with your plans. Maybe you aren’t ready to commit. Maybe you need to work on yourself, or maybe, just maybe, the relationship doesn’t feel right. Not all relationships need blaring red flags for them to end, furthermore, an exit before the storm can save you and your partner unnecessary heartaches. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my recent experience, saying you’ll make it work doesn’t make it work.
The end of my relationship was complicated, messy, and somewhat explosive. Both of us saw symptoms of a failing relationship but continued to try and make it work because the love was there, and the loyalty was there, or so I thought. The problem with our relationship was two things:
- Transparency
- Self-Awareness
Transparency
I believe all couples, at some point or another, face this issue. How much should I tell my partner? When should I tell them? Is it necessary for them to know this information?
My ex and I entered the relationship vowing to be transparent. We took pride in our ability to communicate with each other and learn from each hiccup along the way. However, communication only works if both parties are willing to listen actively. Our arguments were like a broken record, revisiting the same issue from n-years ago. I was never transparent enough for him and vice versa, but it wasn’t because we weren’t communicating, we just weren’t listening.
Transparency is vital, but it’s only beneficial if both parties are active listeners.
Self-Awareness
This one is a doozy for me. This one is the kicker. I’m a young woman, 25 becoming 26, I was in a relationship for five years since I was 21. Being young is one hell of a game. You’re running around with your head lopped off, thinking you have everything under control when realistically, you don’t. You went from a child to an adult overnight. You have to learn how to manage your time, juggle work and school, file taxes, learn about who you are independent of your family, the list goes on infinitely. What I’m trying to say is, your mind isn’t always in the right place at the right time. As a result, you make commitments not knowing who you are, and if the commitment is right for you.
For the five years we were together we did a lot of growing up, we saw each other blossom and supported each other along the way. However, the older I got, the more I started to realize that my relationship wasn’t what I wanted. It’s not who he was as a person, but he wasn’t what I needed.
Making the distinction between what you want versus what you need, I believe, requires a certain level of self-awareness. When you’re younger, you either don’t care, or you don’t know any better. When you get older, the line becomes more evident, or at least it should. It’s okay to admit when your plans to take over the world have fallen through. Perhaps your priorities have changed, and you want to take some time to be selfish for your mental wellbeing. It’s okay, to be honest with yourself about yourself. If you’re honest with yourself, then you can be honest with your partner. However, if you neglect that part of yourself, then it will have detrimental effects on you and your relationship.
In the midst of all this confusion. You will find strength and clarity once you find yourself. And when it’s all said and done, you’ll come to realize that everything you’ve needed was inside you the whole time. — r.h. Sin (Martius.22)
My ex wasn’t the type of person to set clear, grounded expectations for himself, and the Nuclear American Family narrative infected his dreams. I say infected because I know they weren’t his dreams, at least not at the time. He neglected his own needs to adopt this narrative to satisfy the people around him. You can only ignore your true self for so long before you snap, and that’s what happened. He cheated.
He wasn’t ready to be a father figure. He wasn’t prepared to walk down the aisle. He didn’t acknowledge the heavy baggage he brought into the relationship and didn’t address the pain he was in for all these years. It took an explosive end for him to realize he was neglecting his duties to himself. As for myself, my needs just didn’t align with his so, I walked away. I had to acknowledge that I am not his keeper, nor do I want to be.
Just as he could’ve walked away before he decided to cheat, I could’ve walked away when I realized he wasn’t what I needed, but I choose not to. Although I was self-aware, I didn’t take the necessary action to pull the plug, and that’s on me. Honestly, I just wanted a reason to leave, but I didn’t acknowledge all the reasons in front of me.
Self-awareness is a powerful tool when you’re in any type of relationship. It allows you to communicate your needs with confidence and helps navigate the relationship in a healthy direction. You can’t be two blind mice, unfortunately relationships aren’t nursery rhymes or fairytales. We’re evolving creatures; we’re always becoming, not just in body but in mind. We need to communicate how we’re developing and what we need to become our best selves.
Take Away
It’s not enough to want to make it work if the relationship isn’t serving you anymore. Transparency and self-awareness are your best tools to navigate healthy relationships. I can’t guarantee they’ll be successful, but they’ll at least save you the trouble of saying, I wish I knew. Furthermore, there’s one crucial last point that I think you should take away from all of this.
Courage. It takes courage to be in a relationship, especially after being let down in the past. It takes courage to stay in a relationship and fight through hardships, and it takes courage to walk away from your relationship when you know it’s not right for you. Be honest with yourself and have the courage to make a choice you’re proud to stand by.
Thanks for reading, I hope you take the time to read some of my other works!
