It’s Necessary to Ask “Why?”
Today, I realized the importance of asking the question, “why?” I can only speak for myself, but “why” is a terrifying question to raise to someone. It’s scary because you never know what to expect out of the other party. Will they be willing to open up? Will they be offended by the question? Will they provide me with the answers I want? And, although one might not provide an answer to your question, their response can speak volumes. And it’s up to you to use that response to find your healing.
When you’re a victim of a situation, and you’re on the road to healing, often you ask yourself, “Why did this person do this to me?”, “Why did they feel like they could hurt me?” and “Why haven’t they explained themselves to me?” Those questions can haunt you for years because the answers provide insight into how you can find your healing.
It takes victims to make victims. Although victims can’t heal each other directly, the act of listening and acknowledgment of one’s pain can be a start to healing. An apology can be as simple as acknowledging your pain and realizing you’ve hurt someone as a result of your pain. But there can’t be an apology unless someone asks the difficult question, “Why?”
Asking one “why?” allows for an open, transparent discussion. One can’t seek healing by sweeping issues under the rug and dodging difficult conversations. We need pain to grow. Beauty is found in chaos.
Today, I approached the woman involved in the infidelity in my relationship with the openness of having a conversation. I explained that there are multiple people involved in this situation, and I have a right to ask her why she partook in this entanglement. I’ve asked every party involved in the situation the same question, and they were more than willing to explain, including my ex. Every other party was willing to have a sincere, thoughtful, and productive conversation with me.
But, she responded defensively, with utmost hostility and bitterness towards my initial reaction to the situation a year ago. I can admit, when I found out, I was outraged. But, I don’t know a single person who wouldn’t be angry to find out about infidelity in their relationship.
Although her reaction was not an answer to my question, it revealed a lot about her hurt as a victim of other situations. When you’re a victim and not healed from the pain, everything is a battle. You’re fighting yourself, you’re fighting the people around you, and you’re unable to see yourself as the perpetrator to the people you’re hurting in the process.
When you hurt another person due to your pain, you don’t see yourself as a perpetrator. You still see yourself as the victim, and you can’t put yourself in another victim's shoes. We’ve all been there at least once in our lives. Where we strongly feel we don’t owe anybody an explanation for our behavior. But the energy you put out into the universe is the same energy you’ll receive. The more you hurt others, the more they’ll try to hurt you. And in the end, you’ll be caught in a vicious cycle of defending yourself from everyone.
Her reaction revealed that she does not have the mental capacity to take accountability for her actions as a perpetrator. Although I’m incredibly hurt by her actions and surprised by her response a year later, I can see that her pain is so deep that any conversation would be pointless. Everyone heals at different rates, and she’s not at the point to discuss her actions because she has yet to unravel the depths of her pain as a victim.
When someone is blinded by pain, it’s hard to stay mad at them. They don’t see anything beyond what they’re feeling and experiencing. Their response can be hypocritical and conflicting because they have yet to sort their problems out. You can transform your anger to empathy, and empathy makes way for forgiveness.
Not every answer is what you want to hear. However, it will provide you with insight as to how to proceed with your healing. And most importantly, it will help you find forgiveness for those who are still healing. Never be afraid to ask, “Why?”. Your fear is justified, but curiosity is one of the fantastic things about living beings. It allows us to grow, to create, to redefine, and much more. Learn to take every response, whether positive or negative, and use it to find a path to your healing.