Don’t expect him to change.
You’ve probably heard this before; people don’t change overnight. However, have you ever considered some people might not want to change at all?
Although maintaining changed behavior requires maintaining that behavior until it becomes automatic. Maintaining changed behavior requires maintaining the will to change. Someone needs to want to change for themselves for change to be effective.
I think it’s common in relationships for one or both parties to attempt to change on behalf of the other party. However, unless the parties in the relationship see value in changing themselves, then the change won’t persist.
I’m guilty of telling my ex I would change, when realistically, I didn’t see a reason to change. My ex wanted a family before turning 30, but I didn’t feel comfortable fulfilling that request. The truth is, I don’t want kids before 30. However, I kept stringing him along in hopes I would change, or he would change.
Looking back, that wasn’t right. If you don’t have the will to change, don’t string someone along because you want them to stay with you. Furthermore, if you change, you may hold resentment towards your partner because you felt forced to change.
There’s also something to be said about the difference between changing and exceptions. It’s easy to misinterpret change for a temporary exception. And although not all exceptions made in a relationship indicate a potential problem. It’s crucial to know the difference, so you understand the foundation of the relationship.
For instance, when I first met my ex, he made a snarky remark that I was too “skinny” for him. His comment made me uncomfortable, but I thought he would grow out of his boyish-thoughts.
“He choose me, so clearly his preferences are changing”
Wrong.
Someone can like a different type of person, but still have their preferences. It’s not an indication of change. It’s an indication of an exception. Once again, I’d like to highlight, not all exceptions are bad. Love is a mysterious thing, someone might not check off all your boxes, but you love them anyway.
But like all exceptions, there are conditions.
In my case, my ex romanticized what I would look like once I started having kids since women tend to gain weight during pregnancy. He didn’t take the time to appreciate what I look like in the present. I was an exception under the condition I would change and gain weight in the future.
Isn’t that ironic?
The moral of the story is don’t expect your partner to change for you.
There will always be exceptions, and some exceptions will be better than others. However, don’t establish relationships under the condition someone will change to your ideal preference. Nobody changes overnight but also, nobody changes without the will to change for themselves.
Change is inevitable in life but choose the person who is willing to see through all your magnificent transformations and still love you in the very end. Choose the person who picks you despite your flaws.
